The Beautiful Bright Side.

Look on the fucking bright side.
At least you're not dead yet, right?
What counts as dead anymore?

What?
You're surprised that I'm not okay right now.
Just look at the fucking bright side,
At least I don't cut too deep.

I'm a dead leaf,
Falling to the ground in the middle of
Autumn.
Cut from my power source.

Yeah, look on the bright side.
I'm not dead.
But I wish I was.

And I may be mellodramtic,
But I get that way sometimes.
Sorry.

Keep talking,
About bright sides,
And sunshine.
I'm going to fight on.

We're tradgic,
Teenagers as a whole.
Doomed to live a repeat of all our parents mistakes.

What,
You're surprised that's the bright side here?

I just wanted you to understand.
I needed someone to understand.
But I guess that's not the way this works.

Little Flickering Lights.

Everyone I love leaves me in the end.And maybe it's like this for everyone.

Maybe I'm not exempt.

I lose friends, family,
Anything I put my heart into eventually leaves my side.

I was okay with this once. I thought it was my role.

I was there to lift people out of their darkness.
I was there to help people move on.

But I'm tired of being alone.I don't want to lift anymore.

I don't want you to leave.

But it doesn't matter.Because this is the part I was born to play.

I am the lantern that gets left outside.Light always flickering for the lost.

Battered, and bruised.I shall continue my watch.-XX

That's How I Wanna To Go.

You have skin that reminds me of a salted caramel mocha,
And eyes like milk fucking chocolate.
Yeah you make me swear.
You look amazing today and every single day.

Plus I'm ninety percent sure I've had a crush on you since freshmen year.
But what does it matter.
I'm not risking us being friends over the immortal need to kiss your fears away.

I hate to see you sad,
I want to take you in my arms and make you feel warm.
Let's go get a pizza,
And watch a movie?

I want to be with you,
Friends first, kisses later.
Just how do I go about telling you that?

That you smell much better then clean soap and rain.
You smell like nice perfume and earth and warmth.
You are so damn graceful and,
I just don't know how to not like you.
(Deeply inspired by Collar Full by Panic! at the Disco.)
And the thing is, this isn't the first time i've had these feelings.
I was going to ask you out before she did.
And then after to.
Bur I was so afraid of hurting someone,
Stepping on toes.

And now i'm too afraid of losing you.

But I could have sworn to god you looked at my lips,
If only for a second.
Gosh I hope you don't see this.

I can't risk losing you again.

The Way I Like You.

I don't like you in the

Teenage love quote, kiss me now

Kind of way.

I like you in the,

Let's get a pizza

And talk about music and video games,

Kind of way.

Gosh I'm an idiot.

Sometimes I sit,

And look at your name

Hoping for it to speak too me.

Sometimes I just want to talk too you.

No romance, or flowery language.

Just you and me and a two lietter of pepsi.

Unless you're a coke,

Then I'll give you shit about that.

Sad thoughts and second chances?

You guys are the greatest. And maybe that's the point. I get so stuck up in all the problems and fears that i forget that nothing is ever as bad as it seems. There will always be magic when I'm with you guys. It' serially funny. I may not have a home in a traditional sense, but when the hell am I traditional? I love you guys, in the cheesy semi romantic "hug me brother" kinda way.

You're perfect and you make me perfect too.

And I couldn't imagine life with out you by my side.

Through minors and majors and fuck ups and loves and ups and downs. That's a run on sentence but you get the idea.

Never in a million years did I think things were going to turn up like this,

Getting a yes, friends, lovely feelings of melancholy sadness mixed with joy. 

Death and life all at the same time.

And it's all thanks too you.

I'm a Mess of Emotion, and You are Detatched from Us.

What words shall I use to describe what we've done.
Broken toys from a magic little box.
I was always told to fix it.

Every single time,
"Just fix It."
 Break and fix, breaking and fixing.

This is what I've been made into.
A mess of broken springs,
And impossibly shattered dreams.

You look at everyone around me now.
I'm surrounded by small reminders that we are not Us.
You are made too break me.

And I can't fix me anymore.
I'm not your idea of friend I have learned.
You think me wrong.

Over dramatic,
Over blown.

Autumn Leaves Kiss You.

The air is crisp with the trace's of you. Leaves crunch under my old leather boots, passed onto me from my brother who out grew them all too quickly. My heart quickens as you take my hand in your own. The heat is unbearable, even with the chilly wind dancing around us. Your eyes like amber, bright and all encompassing, stair straight into my soul. I look away instinctively, by habit, but you're having none of that. You tilt my head to meet your gaze, smiling radiating warmth. My fingers curl into yours, entwining them while we walk through the fall.

We move in silence for awhile, your eyes drifting to meet mine every so often. As we walk through an arch made of fiery orange oaks, you bring my hand up to kiss it softly. Your lips burn against my cold skin,
"You should have brought gloves." You berate me with that clever smile I love so much.
I nod, pressing myself close to you. Smile finding its way onto my face.

With a shift to my left, I pull you into a tight hug, stopping us in the middle of the park.
"Today's been amazing." I say, muffled into your chest.
"Today's been more then that," You reply before you kiss my forehead and ruffle my hair.

I straighten out my bangs, punching your shoulder softly. Then we walk off into the mid October sky, surrounded by cold and warmth and love.

Fuzzy.

Finally, I feel happy.

Relaxation sets into my bones,
And a smile slips onto my face.
There doesn't have to be a struggle tonight.

New hair,
New ideas,
New me.

I will get better,
No more hurting myself,
No more overreacting.

We can get it right this time,
We can figure it out.

Homework, School, Life.
We can handle it.
Shits going to go down,
That much is promised.
But we can take it.

A smile slips onto my face,
Batteries in my camera.
I'm ready to get ahead again.

Finally I feel freed.

This is me.

Hey.
It's easier for me to tell you like this, all in pixels and letters. When I talk my words get all jumbled, and when I IM you there are too many typos.

You're one of the most important things to happen to me, one of my best friends. I want so badly for us to have some profound friendship like they do in movies, and in books. I know that's not real life too. You're not going to tell me every little detail of your life, and you're going to get annoyed when I try and tell you mine. But I'm okay with that. I know that we may not always talk. And when we do it's single words and small responses, but thank you for giving me your time. And thank you for letting me into your life.

I'm not the most amazing friend. I make a lot of mistakes and I push too much of my shit out into the open. I don't really have boundaries and I over share a lot. But that's just because I trust you. And I'm not going to just bag on myself, because sometimes you irritate the hell out of me. And that's how it's supposed to be.

I love you, and I'm so glad you're still my friend. <3

Hugs.

It's the way you hug.
I know that those are for everyone,
And not "special" just for me,
But I can't help wondering what it would be like,
If they were.
It's like a drug, because I finally feel okay.
Safe.
It's your hugs.
They make me feel loved.

Home.

I want to go home.
To a place where I feel safe,
To a place where I feel loved.

It's always so angry here,
This place is filled with so much pain,
There has been so much fighting.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I want to run.
To let my feet carry me past the city's,
And past the oceans,
To a place where I can hide.

Take me home.
To a place where I'll feel loved for the first time.
And where I'll be loved forever.

Take me to a place where I feel safe,
Loved,
And warm.

(7-15-13) Notebooks.

Cool crowd stires around me,
Soft "'scuse me""s are whispered
In a strangers voice.
Giggles from the young mix with
The disgruntled sighs from the old,
And those of us unspoken
Remain still.

Bitter Memories and Moving On.

Nearly two months with out a relapse.
Still lots of shouting, but less crying.
More frustration, but the thoughts of ending it float away.

I talk with my friends everyday.
Go on mini vacations.
Work to make myself feel better.

I'm finally moving forward.
After a year of hiding behind a wall.
I can breath again.

I can finally feel the word spinning.

Sweets and Best Friends

You count.

I've decided to trust you, you can know everything.
When I'm hurting i'm going to complain to you.
When i'm happy, i'm going to sing at you.

This means complete honesty.
And me being so comfortable with you it'll seem weird to some people.

I'll expect you to get me, in ways that even my family doesn't.

And you're going to see the worst of me, but you're also going to get the best.

I'm going to throw four hundred percent at you.
And this is scary.
But I know that you'll get it.

I'm going to hug you a lot, and longer then I hug others
And kiss your cheek.

You're going to get presents, handmade and customized.

And lastly, you're going to get "I love you's" not romantic, but sweet little things just to express how much you mean to me.

I love you, Best friend.

Little imperfections make the world twirl.

"I wish I had a smaller stomach." A girl says to herself sternly as she picks herself apart in the mirror.
"Mines so freaking tiny, dude!" Exclaims the growth challenged teenage boy to his friend in the locker room.
"I hate myself." Whispers half the generation.

What they don't know is how those tiny imperfections make them beautiful.
No star is a perfect diamond.
No grain of sand is completely smooth.

Look at the imperfect world around you.
Stare at the stars and realize that you are not perfect.
But no one else is either.

Rant.

What am I too you?

Just some stupid little bitch?

You know what, no. I'm done with you, this "family" you created.

Just fucking stop it! 

You don't know anything, you don't notice anything!

Hell!i was slitting my wrists for nine months and all you noticed was the ink that was saving me.

You're a fucking bitch and I will never recognize you as my mother.

I'm leaving the second I turn eighteen. 

Even if I have to sell a kidney, I'm gone.

Want.

I want cherry Twizzlers.
That's it.
No profound thoughts,
No deeper meaning.
Not even the whisper of poetic justice.

But wait.

Eyes Heavy and the Mysterious Lost Two Hours.

Im tired. I can't sleep.
Im talking with my friends,
I have friends?
Maybe not the ones I want.
Im watching movies,
Breaking rules.
Waiting for the sun to rise.
One, two, three episodes and half a movie later.

It's three AM.
I made a radio station,
Updated tumblr,
Made a new email,
Updated facebook.

But im still no closer to finding you.

We'll stop meeting like this eventually.

What do I look like to you?

I am a fool, and I run a fools loop.

Why is it like there is a pair of hand over my eyes.

Obstructing all the little lights from view.

Im growing more blind by the second.

But somehow you reach through.

I don't know how else to say it.

So I wont try.

But when those hands are over my eyes.

It's your voice that guides me home.

Its a Rant. Run now.

Sometimes i just want to get away from everything. Just run away. The only problem is I don't know where to go anymore. Thing have just hit me like a bullet train and stopped me. Ive relapsed three times in the last month. My wrists look like a cutting board. I just, at this point in time I would swallow a bottle of pills if it meant i could get away from the constant sadness.
It's so ridiculous. And the worst part is I can't just wish it away anymore. The thoughts don't leave. They linger in my head for hours. Whispers of how im the fuck up. Im the issue. Im the cancer that needs to be cut out of the host.
When did that become my life? When did I start thinking the world was ending? Is it?
I just wish I could be around people who gave good vibes. Instead of feeling completely hated. Im a stranger to my mother.
And god knows she doesn't have a clue that my wrists go red, or that i wish it was all over.
I told my grandpa yesterday evening, Or the day before that. Its hard to recall.
I told him that ive been self harming, and that I don't feel safe with myself anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Who the fuck am I supposed to go to?
Who the fuck is going to save me?
I went straight down the vein this last time, hard.
I didn't cut anything to deep, but I thought about it.
Then I threw on a long sleeve and tried to convince them to send me back to therapy.
Gramps was really calm about it.
I think he's worried now.
I wonder what mom would think if she came home and found me in the bathroom.
Im scared.
And I don't know what to do.

Envy.

I want friends like you and yours.

Who miss me.
And worry about my wrists.
Just like they worry about each other.

I want people to constantly worry about me like I do them.
And worry about losing me.
And miss me like crazy.

But I guess that's just how it is for me.
I guess that's just how it works.

So I'll but you in a jar,
And watch as you all blossom.
And leave scars in my wake.

Hoping that someone remembers me.

Heat.

There is a heat that burns you in the summer.
Stemming from a million different things, 
Never being resolved.

You want to go out,
Adventuring, Exploring, Figuring shit out.
But you can't make it out the door without someone shouting

It's too hot to deal with this right now.
The withering feeling in the pit of your stomach.
You're doing nothing with your life.

Forty bucks.
Hundreds of places.
But not permission.

It's the kind of heat that engulfs you.
And burns from the inside out.
And brings tears to your eyes.

The kind of heat that only summer could bring.

Things I Want, And What I Get.

One big ass laptop with a pretty color to match.
Less fire ants.
A little bit of magic.
And maybe an exciting lake adventure.

A sweet kiss.
And an adventure.

Come let me dip dye your hair.
Lets make flower crowns.
We'll make beautiful memories this summer.

But what I get is screaming.
Lies.
And a few more red lines.
-H.L.B

Choices.

I did not wake up today choosing to miss you.

I did not want to recall the cut of your jaw,

Or the way you laughed at my jokes.

I did not want to miss you.

I never wanted you to leave me.

You promised me you wouldn't go.

You made me fall in love with you.

Your smile, your heart.

Even the sound of your voice made my knees week.

I new, deep down that it wasn't meant to be,

But you made me feel beautiful,

And smart,

And loved.

I did not wake up today choosing to miss you.

But I will fall asleep tonight choosing to let you into my thoughts.

Allowing you to invade my mind,

And make it your home.

Night.

It's late and the air is cold. My heart constricts looking at you, you're so sad. I know what you need, but you won't let me in. Your hair curls around your face, gently framing your teary eyes. My poor darling. You fix the whole world, but always forget about yourself. I smile, you're so selfless, giving yourself to everyone. Holding hands and chasing away nightmares. My little super hero. Tears are flowing freely now, and you're screaming out for me. It always ends like this. My baby girl in tears with no one to hold her.

You're so scared darling, my baby is so scared, and I can't do anything to help you. You muffle your groans into your hand, agony rolling off your form. I want to reach out and hold you, take you up in my arms and wrap you up. Just like every papa is supposed to when their baby cries.

"Daddy!" You shout, "daddy fix this please!"

I'm crying to baby girl, watching you hurt yourself isn't what I want child. I know you're scared, oh how I know. But I know you can make it, baby girl I know how strong you are. You have to be strong to fight like you do.

Call out to your friends, stop lying to them. Tell them the truth.

Let them know you're scared.

Scared of losing them,

And scared of what you might do.

Shhh, baby girl, please.

Hunter ,darling, please stop hurting yourself.

I'm holding on to you so tight, I just hope I can make it through.

When your time comes, I'll be waiting for you.

I love you so much kiddo, 

Dad.

To The End.

The end of my first year in high school.
Wow. To think i've come so far.
Homeschooled until sixth grade.
One year of public school that was detrimental to my mental health.
Two years religious private school that tried to white wash my morals (Hint: It didn't work)
And my freshmen year at International Polytechnic High School (thats Ipoly for short)

I was ready coming into this year, I had a no nonsense attitude, and an aptitude for learning.
But that only lasted about a week (maybe two)
Because then I met Brooke Cooper, who would become my first and truest friend this year.
I had to change my out look from being grade driven to live a life based on creation. I had to change my mindset to be proud of what I was creating.
And damn am I proud.

My first project was the mission statement. Mine was all about bravery and being true to myself. But as all things change so did my mission. It became less about being the "Brave Little Freshmen" and more about taking chances to make memories.
Which is how I ended up in a rainbow tutu. Odd progression of events, I know, but still one of my fondest memories.

Later was the first group project, the math song. My first real encounter with a junior (Hi carlos) and my first time singing since sixth grade. I was surprised to learn that they thought I was good. A lot of they(s) thought I was good. So we covered "Little Talks" and made it about Binary Code. Recording was stressful, but it all payed off when my lyrics got nominated for best written at night on the red carpet.

What else? well, there was those talking chips in strands class. Laughing at lunch up at vista, or Up, or Up Up. There was my first day in elective (Hi Mrs.Edwards) and my first seniors (Tessa, Angel, Jacob, Dean, Chris) My first harkness (The First harkness that year mind you.) My first dance. My first meltdown. My first absence (I was throwing up :c) There was my first time talking with people who scared me. Meeting Aiezecck the sophomore and eating with his friends. Oh, and meeting Donovan, who turned out to be my cousin from my uncle Hunter, who is my dad's brother, who I didn't know existed until about a year ago (Small world I know.)

So many things happened and that was just first semester.
Second semester was so much fun.
I got a new House (Eco Tech)
And a new job (Lady Director at your disposal)
And so many new and amazing memories.
My First fullerton festival.
And my first major disappointment.
Issues and problems galore.
My first discovery that I may not be straight (Hint: Im not c:)
And so much more.
But, throughout all of these problems, challenges, amazing times, and memories, my friends have stuck by me and taught me so much.
I had to say goodbye to my seniors.
And some of my friends who wont be returning.
But through all of that, i've had you.
Weither you read my old blog, or you stumbled upon this one by chance, you(the reader) have been through it all with me.
I've made poems and stories, rants and retellings. But you've stuck by me.
Thank you for that.
I hope you'll join me for an amazing summer,
And more importantly my sophomore year at Ipoly.
As my friend once said.
"You'll be okay, you'll make it."
-Hunter Leeann Baugus (the freshmen.)

Its a rant. You may not want to read this.

You're fucking tired?
Getting drained?
Exhausted?
TRY AND DEAL WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE ON YOUR SHOULDER.
(the rest will be capslocked, i will delete this. maybe)
MY MOTHER HAS GIVEN ME NO SYMPATHY.
I DEAL WITH EVERYONES PROBLEMS.
I FIGHT DEMONS.
FIX RELATIONSHIPS.
SEND PEOPLE REMINDERS NOT TO KILL THEMSELVES.
WHEN ALL I NEEDED WAS A FUCKING REMINDER OF MY OWN.
I HAVE DONE THIS FOR NEARLY 16 YEARS.
DAY IN AND DAY OUT.
PEOPLE USE ME
AND LIE
AND THEY SAY THEY'LL BE THERE.
BUT THEY NEVER STAY.
DAD DIDNT
MOM DIDNT
YOU DIDNT
AND NEITHER DID SHE.
I HAVE FACE THE WORLD ON MY OWN.
SEEN THE WHITE WALLS AND BENT FACES
TRIED TO TEAR MINE AWAY FOR FEAR IT WAS A MASK.
AND YOU'RE FUCKING TIRED?
fine.
i guess i accept that.
you can be fucking tired.
and ask me for my silence.
ask and you shall receive.
i just wanted a reminder.
because she took mine.
but you weren't there.
and the knife was.
and the pain made all the difference.
I can see, clearly now.
my fog lifted.
cut away.
you left.
just like they all do.
and maybe thats my fault.
maybe im the one whose wrong.
but i cant afford to believe that.
not with the mother who almost gave me up.
and the grandmother who doesnt want me.
and the daddy up in heaven.
yeah.
maybe i was right all those years ago.
maybe if i disappear.
the world can be happy.

Getting Pretty Good at Being Pretty Bad.

Im the worst.
I fuck shit up.
Even now im making things up as I go along.

One foot, two foot, one foot, two foot.

Just once i'd like to get something right.
Like a first impression.
Or an apology.

For just a second i'd like to feel like im doing alright.
Even though I know im not.
I can feel the heat burn my skin.

Hot and sizzling,
My flesh burns of the bone.
And my mind spirals into a madness that can't be tamed.

I fuck shit up.

One foot, two foot, one foot, two foot,onefoot,twofoot,onefoottwofoot onefoot onefoot.
Shit.

Can I just say...

Hello to all the Russian people reading this.
That's where most of the traffic is coming from.
Which is cool.
I like Russia.

So from me to you.

Я люблю тебя

(Please don't kill me, I used google translate. And if anyone responds in Russian, I will use it again.)

Scar

A silver half moon cuts through me,Pale as paper,Im white as a ghost.

I lost all control that night,Silver sliver in hand,It felt so right.But stung right after.

I am my own destruction.Decomposing right before my very eye,All the clever lies I made to cover up the truth.

I wish you thought me good enough.That I was worth of being your friend.You're the best kind of toxic.The subtle kind.

The kind that kisses you gently,And makes you tea,While stomping on your sanity.

I wish I wasn't brokenBecause im in the island of misfit toys,And even  they don't like me.

Maybe I can carve away my imperfections.
Burn them with petty starlight.All the while creating a new scar.-H.B

To the right of me.

You're right there.
Just to the right of me,
God I could reach out and touch you,
You are right there.

Goddamn my reflection.
Looking at myself has become the worst idea ever.
I could be on sky nine.
But compared to you, I am nothing.

Can I look past the window,
And get the courage to chase you?

Can I Fall In Love With You?

You are a soft wind,
Rustling my hair and tugging at my lips.
Trying to pull a smile outta me, no matter the night.
You are a warm blanket.
Fresh out of the dryer.
You embrace me in warmth and comfort.

You change me daily.
And I'm becoming dependent on you.
Like a druggie needs their fix.
I need you.

That was a bad example.
Terrible actually.
But you'd laugh anyway.

You are amazing and individual,
I wonder if you know how amazing I think you are.
Or how much I want to touch your skin.
And let you leave light kisses on my neck.

You are my northern sky.
Made bright by the thoughts of us.

Sunshine(Evonive)

Sunshine (Evonive)

Your smile lights up my day, it’s not mine, but I can still see it.

Your eyes, hidden behind cheap buddy holly knock offs, its okay.

Your laugh, Melodic and enchanting.

No wonder im falling for you.

But still, a fear echoes throughout my stomach.

Killing any ambition that your smile gives me.

I want to share the day with you,

On the beach,

In a beautiful place of our own invention.

Could that become my reality?

Spending all that time with you would change me.

For the better im sure.

You don’t know, but I do.

How much I love you,

Sunshine.

~H.B

Golden

Golden

You are shimmering,

Sparking,

Mind boggling, Gold.

Liquid sunshine dipped in honey.

You made me who I am today.

My Gold.

~H.B

We.

we.

You and I,

You and me,

We could make a wonderful We.

Can you see it,

No?

Damn.

Im too scared to show you, Evonive.

My pretty sunshine.

Could you like me?

Should I like you?

Answers are scarce in the coffee shop.

I hold the steaming mug to my face and think of you,

My sweet Evonive.

Could you shine on me once more.

Im sure I could change if you need me to.

Please my darling Evonive.

What will I do?

The coffee goes cold.

And when will I get the courage?

~H.B