Bulletproof Heart.

Don’t you hate getting bullet holes in your new jacket?

I hate getting bullet holes in my new jacket. So I blast the pig that

shot at me, and i’m working on blasting his friend. They scream out that BL-incorporated was going to get me eventually, and that I couldn’t hide forever.

Fuck that! Whatever,I’m done sitting in submission.I have to do it now, and do it loud. Make a stand and take back what belongs to me.It’s time to take back what belongs to all of us.

So this message is for anyone who wants to get into our way.

Don’t. We’re not taking prisoners anymore, We’ll call you out, smack you down and still get home in time for dinner.  We’ve got no heros, so we’re not afraid to play the villains. 

You want to hurt me? Fine. But You want to hurt my people? Think again pissbaby, Just give me the excuse to string you up like the jaded, lukewarm hardcore asswipes you’re pretending to be. Because I know that you’re not really as apathetic as you might want them to see.

To all my girls who are tired of hearing wolf whistles while you’re walking down root guano.  And to all my boys who are done hearing the words “Man Up.” And to all my gender queer kids who are done with the binary system. It’s time for us to rise up and throw them down.

They don’t believe in us, they don’t believe in our cause.They’ve chosen to remain bystanders to another revolution. So what do we do? We fight back, use our voices and change the future

Are you ready? We’re the only ones willing to stand up to the people who think they’re in charge.

So to all the people who would try and stop us, go ahead and try. We will stand and fight for what we believe, and we will win. We’re done sitting around and letting horrible people control our lives. So shove that in your juice box and suck it, because we’re blowing out of this town. 

We’re done letting rape jokes and slurs slide. The next time you hear someone make a comment in the hall, call them out. Use your voice before you become just another bystander, just like them. It’s time for a new era to take hold, It’s time to dream again.

Radical.

I've decided to make myself small and
Quite.

I will no longer speak my mind, for fear of hurting my fellow,
Human.

I can no longer stand here and insult
You.

Can I ever succeed? In a world where if I am not small, I

Do

Not

Matter.

This is me.

Hey.
It's easier for me to tell you like this, all in pixels and letters. When I talk my words get all jumbled, and when I IM you there are too many typos.

You're one of the most important things to happen to me, one of my best friends. I want so badly for us to have some profound friendship like they do in movies, and in books. I know that's not real life too. You're not going to tell me every little detail of your life, and you're going to get annoyed when I try and tell you mine. But I'm okay with that. I know that we may not always talk. And when we do it's single words and small responses, but thank you for giving me your time. And thank you for letting me into your life.

I'm not the most amazing friend. I make a lot of mistakes and I push too much of my shit out into the open. I don't really have boundaries and I over share a lot. But that's just because I trust you. And I'm not going to just bag on myself, because sometimes you irritate the hell out of me. And that's how it's supposed to be.

I love you, and I'm so glad you're still my friend. <3

Want.

I want cherry Twizzlers.
That's it.
No profound thoughts,
No deeper meaning.
Not even the whisper of poetic justice.

But wait.

Eyes Heavy and the Mysterious Lost Two Hours.

Im tired. I can't sleep.
Im talking with my friends,
I have friends?
Maybe not the ones I want.
Im watching movies,
Breaking rules.
Waiting for the sun to rise.
One, two, three episodes and half a movie later.

It's three AM.
I made a radio station,
Updated tumblr,
Made a new email,
Updated facebook.

But im still no closer to finding you.

Its a Rant. Run now.

Sometimes i just want to get away from everything. Just run away. The only problem is I don't know where to go anymore. Thing have just hit me like a bullet train and stopped me. Ive relapsed three times in the last month. My wrists look like a cutting board. I just, at this point in time I would swallow a bottle of pills if it meant i could get away from the constant sadness.
It's so ridiculous. And the worst part is I can't just wish it away anymore. The thoughts don't leave. They linger in my head for hours. Whispers of how im the fuck up. Im the issue. Im the cancer that needs to be cut out of the host.
When did that become my life? When did I start thinking the world was ending? Is it?
I just wish I could be around people who gave good vibes. Instead of feeling completely hated. Im a stranger to my mother.
And god knows she doesn't have a clue that my wrists go red, or that i wish it was all over.
I told my grandpa yesterday evening, Or the day before that. Its hard to recall.
I told him that ive been self harming, and that I don't feel safe with myself anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Who the fuck am I supposed to go to?
Who the fuck is going to save me?
I went straight down the vein this last time, hard.
I didn't cut anything to deep, but I thought about it.
Then I threw on a long sleeve and tried to convince them to send me back to therapy.
Gramps was really calm about it.
I think he's worried now.
I wonder what mom would think if she came home and found me in the bathroom.
Im scared.
And I don't know what to do.

To The End.

The end of my first year in high school.
Wow. To think i've come so far.
Homeschooled until sixth grade.
One year of public school that was detrimental to my mental health.
Two years religious private school that tried to white wash my morals (Hint: It didn't work)
And my freshmen year at International Polytechnic High School (thats Ipoly for short)

I was ready coming into this year, I had a no nonsense attitude, and an aptitude for learning.
But that only lasted about a week (maybe two)
Because then I met Brooke Cooper, who would become my first and truest friend this year.
I had to change my out look from being grade driven to live a life based on creation. I had to change my mindset to be proud of what I was creating.
And damn am I proud.

My first project was the mission statement. Mine was all about bravery and being true to myself. But as all things change so did my mission. It became less about being the "Brave Little Freshmen" and more about taking chances to make memories.
Which is how I ended up in a rainbow tutu. Odd progression of events, I know, but still one of my fondest memories.

Later was the first group project, the math song. My first real encounter with a junior (Hi carlos) and my first time singing since sixth grade. I was surprised to learn that they thought I was good. A lot of they(s) thought I was good. So we covered "Little Talks" and made it about Binary Code. Recording was stressful, but it all payed off when my lyrics got nominated for best written at night on the red carpet.

What else? well, there was those talking chips in strands class. Laughing at lunch up at vista, or Up, or Up Up. There was my first day in elective (Hi Mrs.Edwards) and my first seniors (Tessa, Angel, Jacob, Dean, Chris) My first harkness (The First harkness that year mind you.) My first dance. My first meltdown. My first absence (I was throwing up :c) There was my first time talking with people who scared me. Meeting Aiezecck the sophomore and eating with his friends. Oh, and meeting Donovan, who turned out to be my cousin from my uncle Hunter, who is my dad's brother, who I didn't know existed until about a year ago (Small world I know.)

So many things happened and that was just first semester.
Second semester was so much fun.
I got a new House (Eco Tech)
And a new job (Lady Director at your disposal)
And so many new and amazing memories.
My First fullerton festival.
And my first major disappointment.
Issues and problems galore.
My first discovery that I may not be straight (Hint: Im not c:)
And so much more.
But, throughout all of these problems, challenges, amazing times, and memories, my friends have stuck by me and taught me so much.
I had to say goodbye to my seniors.
And some of my friends who wont be returning.
But through all of that, i've had you.
Weither you read my old blog, or you stumbled upon this one by chance, you(the reader) have been through it all with me.
I've made poems and stories, rants and retellings. But you've stuck by me.
Thank you for that.
I hope you'll join me for an amazing summer,
And more importantly my sophomore year at Ipoly.
As my friend once said.
"You'll be okay, you'll make it."
-Hunter Leeann Baugus (the freshmen.)

Its a rant. You may not want to read this.

You're fucking tired?
Getting drained?
Exhausted?
TRY AND DEAL WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE ON YOUR SHOULDER.
(the rest will be capslocked, i will delete this. maybe)
MY MOTHER HAS GIVEN ME NO SYMPATHY.
I DEAL WITH EVERYONES PROBLEMS.
I FIGHT DEMONS.
FIX RELATIONSHIPS.
SEND PEOPLE REMINDERS NOT TO KILL THEMSELVES.
WHEN ALL I NEEDED WAS A FUCKING REMINDER OF MY OWN.
I HAVE DONE THIS FOR NEARLY 16 YEARS.
DAY IN AND DAY OUT.
PEOPLE USE ME
AND LIE
AND THEY SAY THEY'LL BE THERE.
BUT THEY NEVER STAY.
DAD DIDNT
MOM DIDNT
YOU DIDNT
AND NEITHER DID SHE.
I HAVE FACE THE WORLD ON MY OWN.
SEEN THE WHITE WALLS AND BENT FACES
TRIED TO TEAR MINE AWAY FOR FEAR IT WAS A MASK.
AND YOU'RE FUCKING TIRED?
fine.
i guess i accept that.
you can be fucking tired.
and ask me for my silence.
ask and you shall receive.
i just wanted a reminder.
because she took mine.
but you weren't there.
and the knife was.
and the pain made all the difference.
I can see, clearly now.
my fog lifted.
cut away.
you left.
just like they all do.
and maybe thats my fault.
maybe im the one whose wrong.
but i cant afford to believe that.
not with the mother who almost gave me up.
and the grandmother who doesnt want me.
and the daddy up in heaven.
yeah.
maybe i was right all those years ago.
maybe if i disappear.
the world can be happy.