Itching

I'm mad at myself for taking such a huge break from blogging.
So I (not so) recently ended my sophomore blog, and I had sorta a creative fall out. Then I committed to this rad story, then I hit a block so I stopped. Then I stopped all together. I was going to start a summer blog but I don't do much so it would be super boring, i'm most likely going to start one anyway.
But I really did miss putting my thoughts out there and just taking the time to hone my craft. I've been inspired to write, maybe just a junk file of poems, or maybe character introductions, or anything really. I'm ready to hit the ground running with this. Make way for tomorrow!

So I've decided to make a little challenge for myself.
Post something every day for the rest of the summer.
(I might make a blog for it or something)
But yeah, that's all I have for right now. I'm going to go hit up a google doc.
<3 -HBL

That's How I Wanna To Go.

You have skin that reminds me of a salted caramel mocha,
And eyes like milk fucking chocolate.
Yeah you make me swear.
You look amazing today and every single day.

Plus I'm ninety percent sure I've had a crush on you since freshmen year.
But what does it matter.
I'm not risking us being friends over the immortal need to kiss your fears away.

I hate to see you sad,
I want to take you in my arms and make you feel warm.
Let's go get a pizza,
And watch a movie?

I want to be with you,
Friends first, kisses later.
Just how do I go about telling you that?

That you smell much better then clean soap and rain.
You smell like nice perfume and earth and warmth.
You are so damn graceful and,
I just don't know how to not like you.
(Deeply inspired by Collar Full by Panic! at the Disco.)
And the thing is, this isn't the first time i've had these feelings.
I was going to ask you out before she did.
And then after to.
Bur I was so afraid of hurting someone,
Stepping on toes.

And now i'm too afraid of losing you.

But I could have sworn to god you looked at my lips,
If only for a second.
Gosh I hope you don't see this.

I can't risk losing you again.

Fuzzy.

Finally, I feel happy.

Relaxation sets into my bones,
And a smile slips onto my face.
There doesn't have to be a struggle tonight.

New hair,
New ideas,
New me.

I will get better,
No more hurting myself,
No more overreacting.

We can get it right this time,
We can figure it out.

Homework, School, Life.
We can handle it.
Shits going to go down,
That much is promised.
But we can take it.

A smile slips onto my face,
Batteries in my camera.
I'm ready to get ahead again.

Finally I feel freed.

This is me.

Hey.
It's easier for me to tell you like this, all in pixels and letters. When I talk my words get all jumbled, and when I IM you there are too many typos.

You're one of the most important things to happen to me, one of my best friends. I want so badly for us to have some profound friendship like they do in movies, and in books. I know that's not real life too. You're not going to tell me every little detail of your life, and you're going to get annoyed when I try and tell you mine. But I'm okay with that. I know that we may not always talk. And when we do it's single words and small responses, but thank you for giving me your time. And thank you for letting me into your life.

I'm not the most amazing friend. I make a lot of mistakes and I push too much of my shit out into the open. I don't really have boundaries and I over share a lot. But that's just because I trust you. And I'm not going to just bag on myself, because sometimes you irritate the hell out of me. And that's how it's supposed to be.

I love you, and I'm so glad you're still my friend. <3

Hugs.

It's the way you hug.
I know that those are for everyone,
And not "special" just for me,
But I can't help wondering what it would be like,
If they were.
It's like a drug, because I finally feel okay.
Safe.
It's your hugs.
They make me feel loved.

Bitter Memories and Moving On.

Nearly two months with out a relapse.
Still lots of shouting, but less crying.
More frustration, but the thoughts of ending it float away.

I talk with my friends everyday.
Go on mini vacations.
Work to make myself feel better.

I'm finally moving forward.
After a year of hiding behind a wall.
I can breath again.

I can finally feel the word spinning.

Sweets and Best Friends

You count.

I've decided to trust you, you can know everything.
When I'm hurting i'm going to complain to you.
When i'm happy, i'm going to sing at you.

This means complete honesty.
And me being so comfortable with you it'll seem weird to some people.

I'll expect you to get me, in ways that even my family doesn't.

And you're going to see the worst of me, but you're also going to get the best.

I'm going to throw four hundred percent at you.
And this is scary.
But I know that you'll get it.

I'm going to hug you a lot, and longer then I hug others
And kiss your cheek.

You're going to get presents, handmade and customized.

And lastly, you're going to get "I love you's" not romantic, but sweet little things just to express how much you mean to me.

I love you, Best friend.

Want.

I want cherry Twizzlers.
That's it.
No profound thoughts,
No deeper meaning.
Not even the whisper of poetic justice.

But wait.

Eyes Heavy and the Mysterious Lost Two Hours.

Im tired. I can't sleep.
Im talking with my friends,
I have friends?
Maybe not the ones I want.
Im watching movies,
Breaking rules.
Waiting for the sun to rise.
One, two, three episodes and half a movie later.

It's three AM.
I made a radio station,
Updated tumblr,
Made a new email,
Updated facebook.

But im still no closer to finding you.

We'll stop meeting like this eventually.

What do I look like to you?

I am a fool, and I run a fools loop.

Why is it like there is a pair of hand over my eyes.

Obstructing all the little lights from view.

Im growing more blind by the second.

But somehow you reach through.

I don't know how else to say it.

So I wont try.

But when those hands are over my eyes.

It's your voice that guides me home.

Heat.

There is a heat that burns you in the summer.
Stemming from a million different things, 
Never being resolved.

You want to go out,
Adventuring, Exploring, Figuring shit out.
But you can't make it out the door without someone shouting

It's too hot to deal with this right now.
The withering feeling in the pit of your stomach.
You're doing nothing with your life.

Forty bucks.
Hundreds of places.
But not permission.

It's the kind of heat that engulfs you.
And burns from the inside out.
And brings tears to your eyes.

The kind of heat that only summer could bring.

To The End.

The end of my first year in high school.
Wow. To think i've come so far.
Homeschooled until sixth grade.
One year of public school that was detrimental to my mental health.
Two years religious private school that tried to white wash my morals (Hint: It didn't work)
And my freshmen year at International Polytechnic High School (thats Ipoly for short)

I was ready coming into this year, I had a no nonsense attitude, and an aptitude for learning.
But that only lasted about a week (maybe two)
Because then I met Brooke Cooper, who would become my first and truest friend this year.
I had to change my out look from being grade driven to live a life based on creation. I had to change my mindset to be proud of what I was creating.
And damn am I proud.

My first project was the mission statement. Mine was all about bravery and being true to myself. But as all things change so did my mission. It became less about being the "Brave Little Freshmen" and more about taking chances to make memories.
Which is how I ended up in a rainbow tutu. Odd progression of events, I know, but still one of my fondest memories.

Later was the first group project, the math song. My first real encounter with a junior (Hi carlos) and my first time singing since sixth grade. I was surprised to learn that they thought I was good. A lot of they(s) thought I was good. So we covered "Little Talks" and made it about Binary Code. Recording was stressful, but it all payed off when my lyrics got nominated for best written at night on the red carpet.

What else? well, there was those talking chips in strands class. Laughing at lunch up at vista, or Up, or Up Up. There was my first day in elective (Hi Mrs.Edwards) and my first seniors (Tessa, Angel, Jacob, Dean, Chris) My first harkness (The First harkness that year mind you.) My first dance. My first meltdown. My first absence (I was throwing up :c) There was my first time talking with people who scared me. Meeting Aiezecck the sophomore and eating with his friends. Oh, and meeting Donovan, who turned out to be my cousin from my uncle Hunter, who is my dad's brother, who I didn't know existed until about a year ago (Small world I know.)

So many things happened and that was just first semester.
Second semester was so much fun.
I got a new House (Eco Tech)
And a new job (Lady Director at your disposal)
And so many new and amazing memories.
My First fullerton festival.
And my first major disappointment.
Issues and problems galore.
My first discovery that I may not be straight (Hint: Im not c:)
And so much more.
But, throughout all of these problems, challenges, amazing times, and memories, my friends have stuck by me and taught me so much.
I had to say goodbye to my seniors.
And some of my friends who wont be returning.
But through all of that, i've had you.
Weither you read my old blog, or you stumbled upon this one by chance, you(the reader) have been through it all with me.
I've made poems and stories, rants and retellings. But you've stuck by me.
Thank you for that.
I hope you'll join me for an amazing summer,
And more importantly my sophomore year at Ipoly.
As my friend once said.
"You'll be okay, you'll make it."
-Hunter Leeann Baugus (the freshmen.)

Can I just say...

Hello to all the Russian people reading this.
That's where most of the traffic is coming from.
Which is cool.
I like Russia.

So from me to you.

Я люблю тебя

(Please don't kill me, I used google translate. And if anyone responds in Russian, I will use it again.)