Gone

They leave because obviously they know that it's true.
You're a bitch, horrible in every imaginable aspect, I mean
Look they didn't even want to be friends in the first place,
And I'm sure if you gave them the chance they'd be
Gone.

Bulletproof Heart.

Don’t you hate getting bullet holes in your new jacket?

I hate getting bullet holes in my new jacket. So I blast the pig that

shot at me, and i’m working on blasting his friend. They scream out that BL-incorporated was going to get me eventually, and that I couldn’t hide forever.

Fuck that! Whatever,I’m done sitting in submission.I have to do it now, and do it loud. Make a stand and take back what belongs to me.It’s time to take back what belongs to all of us.

So this message is for anyone who wants to get into our way.

Don’t. We’re not taking prisoners anymore, We’ll call you out, smack you down and still get home in time for dinner.  We’ve got no heros, so we’re not afraid to play the villains. 

You want to hurt me? Fine. But You want to hurt my people? Think again pissbaby, Just give me the excuse to string you up like the jaded, lukewarm hardcore asswipes you’re pretending to be. Because I know that you’re not really as apathetic as you might want them to see.

To all my girls who are tired of hearing wolf whistles while you’re walking down root guano.  And to all my boys who are done hearing the words “Man Up.” And to all my gender queer kids who are done with the binary system. It’s time for us to rise up and throw them down.

They don’t believe in us, they don’t believe in our cause.They’ve chosen to remain bystanders to another revolution. So what do we do? We fight back, use our voices and change the future

Are you ready? We’re the only ones willing to stand up to the people who think they’re in charge.

So to all the people who would try and stop us, go ahead and try. We will stand and fight for what we believe, and we will win. We’re done sitting around and letting horrible people control our lives. So shove that in your juice box and suck it, because we’re blowing out of this town. 

We’re done letting rape jokes and slurs slide. The next time you hear someone make a comment in the hall, call them out. Use your voice before you become just another bystander, just like them. It’s time for a new era to take hold, It’s time to dream again.

It's a terrable thing called love.

"That's what it was like today, i was super nervous at first, but after awhile it was just like 'hold her hand, kiss her cheek, tell her she's radiant, drink coffee, hold her hand, kiss her knuckles and tell her that everything is going to be alight' and everything was alright"~H.L.Baugus

Here is simple.

I'm listening to music she’s playing, through a tiny broken screen

There is a slight chill to the air, a spirit still fresh

Sandalwood smoke on my end. something sweet, like vanilla, on hers

Butterflies dancing in my belly from how much I've been here before.

How many times I've imagined this.

How many times I've had this memory before.

Almost like a heavy weight, my eyes begin to droop

I can’t wait to see her, to grab her hand and kiss her knuckles.

The ones she’s going to break my heart with I swear.

But id take it.

I'd take anything she'd give to me.

Happily

In love.

The Beautiful Bright Side.

Look on the fucking bright side.
At least you're not dead yet, right?
What counts as dead anymore?

What?
You're surprised that I'm not okay right now.
Just look at the fucking bright side,
At least I don't cut too deep.

I'm a dead leaf,
Falling to the ground in the middle of
Autumn.
Cut from my power source.

Yeah, look on the bright side.
I'm not dead.
But I wish I was.

And I may be mellodramtic,
But I get that way sometimes.
Sorry.

Keep talking,
About bright sides,
And sunshine.
I'm going to fight on.

We're tradgic,
Teenagers as a whole.
Doomed to live a repeat of all our parents mistakes.

What,
You're surprised that's the bright side here?

I just wanted you to understand.
I needed someone to understand.
But I guess that's not the way this works.

Fuzzy.

Finally, I feel happy.

Relaxation sets into my bones,
And a smile slips onto my face.
There doesn't have to be a struggle tonight.

New hair,
New ideas,
New me.

I will get better,
No more hurting myself,
No more overreacting.

We can get it right this time,
We can figure it out.

Homework, School, Life.
We can handle it.
Shits going to go down,
That much is promised.
But we can take it.

A smile slips onto my face,
Batteries in my camera.
I'm ready to get ahead again.

Finally I feel freed.

This is me.

Hey.
It's easier for me to tell you like this, all in pixels and letters. When I talk my words get all jumbled, and when I IM you there are too many typos.

You're one of the most important things to happen to me, one of my best friends. I want so badly for us to have some profound friendship like they do in movies, and in books. I know that's not real life too. You're not going to tell me every little detail of your life, and you're going to get annoyed when I try and tell you mine. But I'm okay with that. I know that we may not always talk. And when we do it's single words and small responses, but thank you for giving me your time. And thank you for letting me into your life.

I'm not the most amazing friend. I make a lot of mistakes and I push too much of my shit out into the open. I don't really have boundaries and I over share a lot. But that's just because I trust you. And I'm not going to just bag on myself, because sometimes you irritate the hell out of me. And that's how it's supposed to be.

I love you, and I'm so glad you're still my friend. <3

Hugs.

It's the way you hug.
I know that those are for everyone,
And not "special" just for me,
But I can't help wondering what it would be like,
If they were.
It's like a drug, because I finally feel okay.
Safe.
It's your hugs.
They make me feel loved.

Bitter Memories and Moving On.

Nearly two months with out a relapse.
Still lots of shouting, but less crying.
More frustration, but the thoughts of ending it float away.

I talk with my friends everyday.
Go on mini vacations.
Work to make myself feel better.

I'm finally moving forward.
After a year of hiding behind a wall.
I can breath again.

I can finally feel the word spinning.

Sweets and Best Friends

You count.

I've decided to trust you, you can know everything.
When I'm hurting i'm going to complain to you.
When i'm happy, i'm going to sing at you.

This means complete honesty.
And me being so comfortable with you it'll seem weird to some people.

I'll expect you to get me, in ways that even my family doesn't.

And you're going to see the worst of me, but you're also going to get the best.

I'm going to throw four hundred percent at you.
And this is scary.
But I know that you'll get it.

I'm going to hug you a lot, and longer then I hug others
And kiss your cheek.

You're going to get presents, handmade and customized.

And lastly, you're going to get "I love you's" not romantic, but sweet little things just to express how much you mean to me.

I love you, Best friend.

Little imperfections make the world twirl.

"I wish I had a smaller stomach." A girl says to herself sternly as she picks herself apart in the mirror.
"Mines so freaking tiny, dude!" Exclaims the growth challenged teenage boy to his friend in the locker room.
"I hate myself." Whispers half the generation.

What they don't know is how those tiny imperfections make them beautiful.
No star is a perfect diamond.
No grain of sand is completely smooth.

Look at the imperfect world around you.
Stare at the stars and realize that you are not perfect.
But no one else is either.

Eyes Heavy and the Mysterious Lost Two Hours.

Im tired. I can't sleep.
Im talking with my friends,
I have friends?
Maybe not the ones I want.
Im watching movies,
Breaking rules.
Waiting for the sun to rise.
One, two, three episodes and half a movie later.

It's three AM.
I made a radio station,
Updated tumblr,
Made a new email,
Updated facebook.

But im still no closer to finding you.

Envy.

I want friends like you and yours.

Who miss me.
And worry about my wrists.
Just like they worry about each other.

I want people to constantly worry about me like I do them.
And worry about losing me.
And miss me like crazy.

But I guess that's just how it is for me.
I guess that's just how it works.

So I'll but you in a jar,
And watch as you all blossom.
And leave scars in my wake.

Hoping that someone remembers me.

Heat.

There is a heat that burns you in the summer.
Stemming from a million different things, 
Never being resolved.

You want to go out,
Adventuring, Exploring, Figuring shit out.
But you can't make it out the door without someone shouting

It's too hot to deal with this right now.
The withering feeling in the pit of your stomach.
You're doing nothing with your life.

Forty bucks.
Hundreds of places.
But not permission.

It's the kind of heat that engulfs you.
And burns from the inside out.
And brings tears to your eyes.

The kind of heat that only summer could bring.

Things I Want, And What I Get.

One big ass laptop with a pretty color to match.
Less fire ants.
A little bit of magic.
And maybe an exciting lake adventure.

A sweet kiss.
And an adventure.

Come let me dip dye your hair.
Lets make flower crowns.
We'll make beautiful memories this summer.

But what I get is screaming.
Lies.
And a few more red lines.
-H.L.B

To The End.

The end of my first year in high school.
Wow. To think i've come so far.
Homeschooled until sixth grade.
One year of public school that was detrimental to my mental health.
Two years religious private school that tried to white wash my morals (Hint: It didn't work)
And my freshmen year at International Polytechnic High School (thats Ipoly for short)

I was ready coming into this year, I had a no nonsense attitude, and an aptitude for learning.
But that only lasted about a week (maybe two)
Because then I met Brooke Cooper, who would become my first and truest friend this year.
I had to change my out look from being grade driven to live a life based on creation. I had to change my mindset to be proud of what I was creating.
And damn am I proud.

My first project was the mission statement. Mine was all about bravery and being true to myself. But as all things change so did my mission. It became less about being the "Brave Little Freshmen" and more about taking chances to make memories.
Which is how I ended up in a rainbow tutu. Odd progression of events, I know, but still one of my fondest memories.

Later was the first group project, the math song. My first real encounter with a junior (Hi carlos) and my first time singing since sixth grade. I was surprised to learn that they thought I was good. A lot of they(s) thought I was good. So we covered "Little Talks" and made it about Binary Code. Recording was stressful, but it all payed off when my lyrics got nominated for best written at night on the red carpet.

What else? well, there was those talking chips in strands class. Laughing at lunch up at vista, or Up, or Up Up. There was my first day in elective (Hi Mrs.Edwards) and my first seniors (Tessa, Angel, Jacob, Dean, Chris) My first harkness (The First harkness that year mind you.) My first dance. My first meltdown. My first absence (I was throwing up :c) There was my first time talking with people who scared me. Meeting Aiezecck the sophomore and eating with his friends. Oh, and meeting Donovan, who turned out to be my cousin from my uncle Hunter, who is my dad's brother, who I didn't know existed until about a year ago (Small world I know.)

So many things happened and that was just first semester.
Second semester was so much fun.
I got a new House (Eco Tech)
And a new job (Lady Director at your disposal)
And so many new and amazing memories.
My First fullerton festival.
And my first major disappointment.
Issues and problems galore.
My first discovery that I may not be straight (Hint: Im not c:)
And so much more.
But, throughout all of these problems, challenges, amazing times, and memories, my friends have stuck by me and taught me so much.
I had to say goodbye to my seniors.
And some of my friends who wont be returning.
But through all of that, i've had you.
Weither you read my old blog, or you stumbled upon this one by chance, you(the reader) have been through it all with me.
I've made poems and stories, rants and retellings. But you've stuck by me.
Thank you for that.
I hope you'll join me for an amazing summer,
And more importantly my sophomore year at Ipoly.
As my friend once said.
"You'll be okay, you'll make it."
-Hunter Leeann Baugus (the freshmen.)

Scar

A silver half moon cuts through me,Pale as paper,Im white as a ghost.

I lost all control that night,Silver sliver in hand,It felt so right.But stung right after.

I am my own destruction.Decomposing right before my very eye,All the clever lies I made to cover up the truth.

I wish you thought me good enough.That I was worth of being your friend.You're the best kind of toxic.The subtle kind.

The kind that kisses you gently,And makes you tea,While stomping on your sanity.

I wish I wasn't brokenBecause im in the island of misfit toys,And even  they don't like me.

Maybe I can carve away my imperfections.
Burn them with petty starlight.All the while creating a new scar.-H.B

Sunshine(Evonive)

Sunshine (Evonive)

Your smile lights up my day, it’s not mine, but I can still see it.

Your eyes, hidden behind cheap buddy holly knock offs, its okay.

Your laugh, Melodic and enchanting.

No wonder im falling for you.

But still, a fear echoes throughout my stomach.

Killing any ambition that your smile gives me.

I want to share the day with you,

On the beach,

In a beautiful place of our own invention.

Could that become my reality?

Spending all that time with you would change me.

For the better im sure.

You don’t know, but I do.

How much I love you,

Sunshine.

~H.B

Golden

Golden

You are shimmering,

Sparking,

Mind boggling, Gold.

Liquid sunshine dipped in honey.

You made me who I am today.

My Gold.

~H.B

We.

we.

You and I,

You and me,

We could make a wonderful We.

Can you see it,

No?

Damn.

Im too scared to show you, Evonive.

My pretty sunshine.

Could you like me?

Should I like you?

Answers are scarce in the coffee shop.

I hold the steaming mug to my face and think of you,

My sweet Evonive.

Could you shine on me once more.

Im sure I could change if you need me to.

Please my darling Evonive.

What will I do?

The coffee goes cold.

And when will I get the courage?

~H.B