Like Dreaming Backwards (title taken from a play by kellie powell)

When I have an episode,
It starts off really small.
I have control,
There is just this weight sitting in my chest waiting for me to
Lift.

Then it gets worse.
I try lifting and it wont budge,
Then I realize that it's not going to.
And then I panic.

Because I'm dying,
Inside,
And every part of me wants to throw the tears away.

So I struggle,
Fight, claw, rip, tear myself to shreds.
Trying to get away from this terrible weight.

Then it gets heavier.
It pushes me down,
Now I'm drowning.

Then after I cry,
Or hurt myself,
The weight is gone.

And I am dreamy,
And I am feather-light.
Nothing can hurt me.

Then I sleep.